Laying here in my bed realizing I'm probably not going back to sleep after seeing my husband off to work over an hour ago has given me time to think "maybe I should blog". Haven't done so in months. I'm long overdue. I had 3 followers, I'm down to 2, I was disheartened that nobody was reading my blog, and decided to keep my thoughts on Facebook, which have proven to annoy some, but encourage others. Don't we all just "get by w/a little help from our friends"? I owe my friends so much gratitude for reading about me and my life, finding inspiration from it, and for inspiring me just as well. So, w/that in mind, I'm not writing any of this in hopes of gaining followers, or comments. This is just me, a mother, getting my feelings out in the open. Something for my son to read and hold dear.
Well, I'm sitting here at the stoplight in my life, waiting for it to turn green. Or maybe I'm seeing it wrong. Maybe it's a yellow light, cautioning me. Regardless, I'm still just sitting here, not moving. I'm kinda not wanting to just yet. You see, 19 years ago my husband and I had only recently discovered I was pregnant w/our first child. We so badly wanted our first-born to be a son, by December 1st, 1992, God gave us the most precious gift. Our first son. We knew we were on borrowed time, at least 18 years, right? He gave us 3 more precious sons within 6 years. These last 19 years appear to have just flown right on by, w/barely a blink. Hang on, if you hold your breath, maybe you can drag it out?! *sigh*, it didn't work. 19 years have whisked away right before my eyes. What seems like just yesterday dreaming of what our first child would be like, all the hopes we had, is now today w/him preparing to graduate high school in 9 days, and in a very short 3 1/2 months, he's leaving his family, his home to begin his own life. Leaving behind a mother who complains about how much he frustrates me, submitting to his constant taking advantage of me to do so much for him, being inconveniencd at all times......but in reality, that same mother is going to miss him beyond belief. She's going to long for the days of him calling me to be at his beck & call, instead of worrying about whether or not he's ok. Is someone picking on him? Is he lonely? Is he scared? Can he handle this? Is it too much for him to bear? Is he learning more respect and responsibility? Is he becoming a man?
This child of ours is actually no longer a child. He has made a very grown-up decision. He has decided that the United States Air Force is going to be his life for at least the next 6 years, and he leaves his family of mom, dad and 3 younger brothers on August 28th later this summer. He will be at basic training in Lackland Air Force base, San Antonio, TX until early November (8 1/2 weeks of boot camp, not too shabby), then he will do his training and studying to be in Missile and Space Electronics. While he's enlisted he will also study to earn his bachelors degree, then he will have several choices for his career path, which at this point, he hopes any of them lead him to work for NASA. He can either continue on as an Air Force officer, continue his education to earn his masters, or with a little luck, and a lot of prayer, begin working for NASA straight from the AF, as he will already have security clearance. His choices are vast, (with hopes that our country will be able to pull itself out of turmoil).
My husband served the US Navy in the early '90's. He joined during the middle of Desert Storm. I think I now know what his own mother must have been going through, although for me, at the time I was his girlfriend, I was excited for him. I was so proud of him for making the decision to serve our country and to find a better life, considering he was failing college, he knew he had to do something. I was just so proud of him. Well, now my own son is leaving to serve his country, and although I am so, SO very proud, I'm screaming on the inside. I fight back the tears CONSTANTLY, to not embarrass myself, or cause people to approach me, asking if I'm ok. I want to tell everyone I come in contact with that my oldest son is leaving for the Air Force and I am so proud of him, so scared for him, so worried about him, and I'm going to miss him terribly!!!! But, I digress, because I know other people don't feel the same as we do. This is my personal battle to fight. And only God knows how I feel. I'm going to miss him so much. I'm going to worry about him everyday. I'm putting all my faith in God that he will protect our son. That he will see to it his needs are met, and that he will survive. That he will learn how to take care of himself, how to handle making grown-up decisions on his own for the rest of his life. After all, didn't we all have to go through the very same process and start somewhere? Didn't our own mothers worry the exact same thing as we were each leaving home to try it on our own? If I survived and figured it all out, then he is certainly capable of doing the same.
I'm scared. I've always been here for him, and although that will never change, the hard part is, he going to need me to be there the same way less and less. Fewer and fewer. He will no longer need me to be his band-aid. He will no longer need me to pick up the pieces, to be his chauffeur, his bank, his personal shopper, the list goes extremely on.....so, although I should be running around singing "freedom! Freedom!", I'm quite the opposite. I'm crying on the inside. I'm screaming where noone else can hear. Only God can hear me. And I know he's here listening, comforting me. But, still, I feel the pain. The pain each and every good mother feels when she knows she's done a good enough job raising him, now it's time to put it to the test, and see if he knows it too. Will he take his upbringing with him and hear his dad and I in his head as he makes decisions, and now lives his life w/o us? His dad and I will always be here for him, always. Only difference is now, he won't always need us.
He's a brilliant person. He has a philosophical mind, like his father, empathy for others, like his mother, love and faith in God, and a good head on his shoulders, sometimes he needs to tighten the bolts as they tend to loosen up, but don't we all? That doesn't go away w/age or wisdom, that's just part of being human. I cannot even begin to express how proud I am of this child, who is no longer even a child, but will always be my baby. He's made a mark in the lives of all he knows. He's musically talented, and was given several opportunities to show off his talent and skill with the band. He has made his family so proud. He's done very well in school, and even though right now he wonders why he chose to take AP, honors and college credit classes in high school, he did so with the right intentions. To challenge himself to do better, to get smarter, and to achieve some goals. He may not think they'll do him any good while in the Air Force, but he will realize later on, that he's actually grateful he made those choices.
Getting to say "my son is serving in the USAF" kinda puts a big bright glowing light over me. I feel so proud of him. So excited for him. He's happy w/his decisions. He's excited for his future. And although there's nothing I can do about the "mom syndrome" and the "empty nest" feeling, that comes naturally to every mother when it's that time, I will forever be proud of our boy, who has become a man. <3 He is only leaving home. Not leaving family. Family - he gets to take w/him, everyday, everywhere he goes, even if he can't physically see us, touch us or hear us - we are always w/him. Always.
And I won't always be fighting the tears, I will sometimes allow them to flow. And I will also see that God has wiped them away, comforting me that he's taking good care of our son. But, I will always miss him when he's not here. I will always worry when I don't hear from him, I will always pray for him. And I will always be proud of him. I can't say he turned out to be a fine young man, because he was already like that from the moment he was born.
